Here's my problem: no candy can live up to the name of Wonka. It can't be done. Not even with an alliance between NASA, Lindt, Lady Gaga and Cirque du Soleil will the snozberries ever really taste like snozberries.1 It's overly ambitious merchandizing and it's getting worse. Today's boxes of Wonka candy bear the tagline "Food your imagination!" I'd be less annoyed by the verbing of 'food' if this stuff actually qualified as food. But it doesn't. It's brightly colored sugar nuggets.
It is, however, brightly colored sugar nuggets of joy. For all my objections to Wonka candy's marketing, I love the candy. So they can pretty much call it anything they'd like.
Remember that scene in Ratatouille when the evil food critic, Ego, is rushed back to sweet scenes of childhood through one bite of veggie casserole? Fun Dip does that for me. As soon as I get my hands on a compartmentalized bag I'm back in my beloved Minnie Mouse swimsuit, at the pool, with my mom and all is right with the world.
I love Runts. They are the ultimate tool in the childhood arsenal of anti-dentists weaponry. And they're shaped like fruit! There's nothing that matches the gratification of eating a banana that is not only cavity-causing, it's literally tooth breaking. They're like little, Benedict Arnolds. Take that, dentists! We've got your apple right here.
What I like best about Nerds is the implication that by eating them, we accept them, and are hence being better people. There's no bullying of these nerds. There's only love and mastication. Actually, the mastication isn't necessary - if you suck on them they will just melt. And now my nerd analogy is grossing me out a little. Ew.
Spree remind me of old, classic carnival rides - in a good way. They're sleek and shiny and fun. And they have gluttony right in the name, but in such a sneaky way that it's easily mistaken for a declaration of joy, such as "whee!" or "heeee!" or... okay, I'm already stretching that thin.
I think what this taffy is laughing about is the popularity it enjoys among younger generations who increasingly eschew traditional salt water taffy. With their manageable size, decreased likelihood of taking up permanent residence in one's teeth, and brighter colors, Laffy Taffy is a huge improvement over its beach counterpart. Personally, I'm always amazed that I can eat the stuff in one sitting; a single stick of traditional taffy will still be on my to do list until next year's beach vacation.
If there is any candy giving parents everywhere the middle finger it's Pixy Stix. Not only are these uncut sugar in a tube, they're misspelled and impossible to reference in the singular. It's candy with a gang mentality. "We will f*** you up!" A+++
1Upon checking urbandictionary.com to check my spelling of snozberry I learned that it is a euphemism for 'penis.' This is the second time today that 'penis' has factored into one of my posts. Damn it, this world is sick.
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